Lost without

[bunnysworld.livejournal.com]

Author: bunnysworld
Title: Lost without
Rating: G
Pairing(s): past Merlin/m
Warnings: broken heart
Word Count: 506
Prompt: What would I do without you?
Summary: Merlin’s got dumbed again
Notes: Not beta’d.



Merlin sat in the far corner of the couch. No, that wasn’t true, he had curled up there after putting on his oldest sweatpants and hoodie, made himself as small as possible, not to be seen by the world. Nobody needed to see him, he wasn’t worth it on a good day and this definitely wasn’t one of the better ones.

It had started so great. They had met at Gwaine’s birthday party, there had been hot kisses and later, he had gone home with him to experience the most mind-blowing sex he’d ever had. Merlin knew it wouldn’t last. He was not the type people wanted to introduce to their parents, guys just wanted a night of fun from him and that was it. He wasn’t worth more.

Hugging the throw pillow even harder, Merlin bit back another sob but couldn’t hold the tears back that were streaming down his face. He had been different. He wanted to see him again and they met at nice restaurants and he even took him to the theatre once. Merlin had no idea what made him change his mind and tell him he couldn’t see him anymore.

Was it something he had done? Merlin wrecked his brain but couldn’t come up with a situation in which he might have reacted in a not suitable way. Had he said anything that was alright? Once again, he couldn’t remember anything that could have been awkward. The sex couldn’t have been it, it never got boring and they both had good ideas, they had laughed a lot.

So there was only one conclusion: It was him. As a person. His looks, his way of living, his way of dressing, the way he was.

Merlin didn’t care that his eyes started hurting from all this crying and that his nose would be clogged for days. He felt too miserable after yet another break-up to care for anything. Each time, he tried to change. To correct what others thought was wrong about him. And whenever he thought he had found the one, he got kicked between the eyes again. He was just not worth it.

Not even looking up when Gwen entered their place, Merlin kept staring at the screen of their TV, even though he hadn’t switched it on.

After a while, her hand – holding a crate of ice cream and a big spoon – appeared in his blurry field of vision.

“Here you go.”

Gratefully, he took it. He didn’t feel like eating anything, but ice cream wasn’t the worst thing that could happen now.

Gwen didn’t say anything, but put one of the stupid movies they both loved so much into the player and switched it on. She made tea and brought cookies and some blankets. Wordlessly, she pulled a blanket up to her shoulder and snuggled against him.

Merlin had a hard time to not sob again. Gwen always knew when it was time to talk and when it was time to just act. He would be lost without her.