Soldier on, but please not so long
Aug. 12th, 2014 11:46 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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ekishou
Title: Soldier on, but please not so long
Rating: G
Pairing/s: Arthur/Merlin
Character/s: Arthur, Merlin
Summary: Merlin had known that, in theory, dating someone who was still closeted would be a different experience for him.
Warnings: None
Word Count: 1,168
Prompt: 121 shocked
Author's Notes: This is me attempting to overcome writer's block and recover my long-lost writing mojo. *hides*
Many thanks to the wonderfulrocknvaughn for sticking with me through (and beta'ing) three versions. Any errors that remain are all on me. :)
Holding hands with one's significant other: It's such a commonplace, everyday thing for most people. Merlin realizes that something so simple really shouldn't be shocking...but to him, it is.
Merlin had known that, in theory, dating someone who was still closeted would be a different experience for him. It felt as though there had never been a time when Merlin had not been out, and after the first rush of excitement in the early days of their relationship had passed, he had learned that being with Arthur, in practice, was more difficult than he'd anticipated.
When they are alone, Arthur is the perfect boyfriend. He is affectionate, warm, loving, and even gentle. It had not taken long for Merlin to discover that beneath the prattish exterior beats the heart of a true romantic, and he is happy -- honored, even...to be the person Arthur trusts to share his secret, put-away heart. The sex is bloody fantastic, and when Arthur spends the night at Merlin's flat, he curls close to Merlin as though he cannot bear to part from him, even in repose.
Arthur willingly sits on the sofa for hours with Merlin's head in his lap as they watch old episodes of Doctor Who, despite his professed disdain for all things Whovian.
"Really, Merlin," he teases. "A time-traveling police box?"
Arthur rolls his eyes and grumps about, but his hands are warm as he cards his fingers through Merlin's hair with exquisite tenderness, making Merlin feel as though Arthur must find him very precious indeed.
When Merlin makes dinner, Arthur comes up behind him and slides his arms around his waist, resting his chin on Merlin's shoulder. He eats anything Merlin puts in front of him, even, on one memorable occasion, manfully chewing through Merlin's disastrous attempt at making seitan. That the cookbook containing that particular recipe has since mysteriously disappeared is something that neither of them mentions, but both privately agree is probably for the best.
But what Merlin hadn't expected was just how awful it would feel to be out in public with Arthur, always kept figuratively (and literally) at arm's length. To see his normally-affectionate boyfriend carefully maintain a platonic distance between them as they walk down the street gives him a little ache in his chest, a tight knot of disappointment that even Arthur's brilliant smile cannot erase. Merlin had underestimated how much it would hurt to hear Arthur apologetically decline to accompany him to a particular restaurant because it was too "date-like", as apparently a pub one would visit with one's mates was fine, but the new tapas restaurant across the street from Merlin's office was not. Perhaps worst of all, he'd not been at all prepared for the hollow pang he would feel at hearing Arthur introduce him as, "my mate, Merlin."
Merlin tries not to let these things bother him. He really does. He knows that Arthur isn't doing this to hurt him, even though that's exactly what is happening. Arthur shows his love for Merlin in a thousand different ways, and tries so hard to please and care for him when they're alone that Merlin feels like a bit of a shit for not being more patient with the man he loves. He knows that Arthur spent so many years living under Uther's thumb, denying himself, hating himself for being who he is, that just allowing himself to act upon his feelings for Merlin had been a tremendous act of courage. That he still seems stuck in his father's shadow is sad, and perhaps somewhat perplexing, but Merlin cannot find it in himself to blame Arthur. He has had the dubious fortune of meeting Uther Pendragon, after all.
"Merlin, I love you," Arthur says. "Please...just give me some time."
And how can Merlin deny Arthur when he asks so earnestly? He doesn't doubt Arthur's sincerity. He knows that everyone works through this in their own way, at their own pace. Just because it had been relatively easy for him -- and he spares a quick, grateful thought for his mother for that -- doesn't mean it's that way for Arthur.
All of this is very reasonable, and most of the time Merlin understands and accepts it. He knows the time will come when Arthur feels ready to be open about their relationship, and until then Merlin will wait. He knows it will be worth it.
But it still hurts his heart just a little when he sees other couples strolling through the park hand-in-hand, or sharing an intimate, candle-lit dinner at a restaurant. It isn't that Merlin has a particular passion for walks in the park or dining at fancy restaurants; he just wants the freedom to do the things that other couples do.
And this is why he is so surprised to find himself standing within eyeshot of his favorite falafel stand -- the one Arthur had remembered after a single, passing mention and brought Merlin to for lunch. Of course, Merlin is definitely not thinking about falafel... not now, not with Arthur's fingers casually twined with his for all the world to see. The warmth and texture of his skin are familiar, dear, and wholly unexpected. Merlin stops short, and he knows he is gaping at Arthur like an idiot but he can't seem to help himself. Arthur smirks back at him, seemingly caught between amusement and exasperation as he tugs Merlin gently from the middle of the walkway off to the side...away from the annoyed looks and grumbles coming from the throng of people moving through Spitalfields Market behind them. The passersby might as well not exist; Merlin has eyes only for Arthur, who squeezes Merlin's hand gently and strokes the thumb of his free hand over Merlin's cheek, looking into his eyes with a wide, happy smile.
"I told you I just needed some time, Merlin," Arthur says, and then leans in to kiss him.
As their lips touch, Merlin feels something inside him -- something that was tense, something he'd barely allowed himself to acknowledge was there -- relax at last. In the course of his relationship with Arthur, Merlin has experienced thousands of kisses. From soft forehead kisses when he's stuck in bed with a cold, sniffly and miserable, to wet, messy, passion-filled kisses in the midst of lovemaking to tender, "I'll love you forever," kisses...Merlin thinks he has known and loved them all. But this kiss, for all that it is merely a brief press of warm, dry lips kept chaste due to the crowd surrounding them, is special nonetheless.
They break apart slowly and rejoin the crowd, hands still clasped. There are conversations to be had, plans to be made...but Arthur has, in his own direct, Arthur-ish way, taken the first step. It won’t all be as simple as a kiss shared in the market, but Merlin thinks it’s a start.
And it was totally worth the wait.
ekishouTitle: Soldier on, but please not so long
Rating: G
Pairing/s: Arthur/Merlin
Character/s: Arthur, Merlin
Summary: Merlin had known that, in theory, dating someone who was still closeted would be a different experience for him.
Warnings: None
Word Count: 1,168
Prompt: 121 shocked
Author's Notes: This is me attempting to overcome writer's block and recover my long-lost writing mojo. *hides*
Many thanks to the wonderful
rocknvaughn for sticking with me through (and beta'ing) three versions. Any errors that remain are all on me. :)Holding hands with one's significant other: It's such a commonplace, everyday thing for most people. Merlin realizes that something so simple really shouldn't be shocking...but to him, it is.
Merlin had known that, in theory, dating someone who was still closeted would be a different experience for him. It felt as though there had never been a time when Merlin had not been out, and after the first rush of excitement in the early days of their relationship had passed, he had learned that being with Arthur, in practice, was more difficult than he'd anticipated.
When they are alone, Arthur is the perfect boyfriend. He is affectionate, warm, loving, and even gentle. It had not taken long for Merlin to discover that beneath the prattish exterior beats the heart of a true romantic, and he is happy -- honored, even...to be the person Arthur trusts to share his secret, put-away heart. The sex is bloody fantastic, and when Arthur spends the night at Merlin's flat, he curls close to Merlin as though he cannot bear to part from him, even in repose.
Arthur willingly sits on the sofa for hours with Merlin's head in his lap as they watch old episodes of Doctor Who, despite his professed disdain for all things Whovian.
"Really, Merlin," he teases. "A time-traveling police box?"
Arthur rolls his eyes and grumps about, but his hands are warm as he cards his fingers through Merlin's hair with exquisite tenderness, making Merlin feel as though Arthur must find him very precious indeed.
When Merlin makes dinner, Arthur comes up behind him and slides his arms around his waist, resting his chin on Merlin's shoulder. He eats anything Merlin puts in front of him, even, on one memorable occasion, manfully chewing through Merlin's disastrous attempt at making seitan. That the cookbook containing that particular recipe has since mysteriously disappeared is something that neither of them mentions, but both privately agree is probably for the best.
But what Merlin hadn't expected was just how awful it would feel to be out in public with Arthur, always kept figuratively (and literally) at arm's length. To see his normally-affectionate boyfriend carefully maintain a platonic distance between them as they walk down the street gives him a little ache in his chest, a tight knot of disappointment that even Arthur's brilliant smile cannot erase. Merlin had underestimated how much it would hurt to hear Arthur apologetically decline to accompany him to a particular restaurant because it was too "date-like", as apparently a pub one would visit with one's mates was fine, but the new tapas restaurant across the street from Merlin's office was not. Perhaps worst of all, he'd not been at all prepared for the hollow pang he would feel at hearing Arthur introduce him as, "my mate, Merlin."
Merlin tries not to let these things bother him. He really does. He knows that Arthur isn't doing this to hurt him, even though that's exactly what is happening. Arthur shows his love for Merlin in a thousand different ways, and tries so hard to please and care for him when they're alone that Merlin feels like a bit of a shit for not being more patient with the man he loves. He knows that Arthur spent so many years living under Uther's thumb, denying himself, hating himself for being who he is, that just allowing himself to act upon his feelings for Merlin had been a tremendous act of courage. That he still seems stuck in his father's shadow is sad, and perhaps somewhat perplexing, but Merlin cannot find it in himself to blame Arthur. He has had the dubious fortune of meeting Uther Pendragon, after all.
"Merlin, I love you," Arthur says. "Please...just give me some time."
And how can Merlin deny Arthur when he asks so earnestly? He doesn't doubt Arthur's sincerity. He knows that everyone works through this in their own way, at their own pace. Just because it had been relatively easy for him -- and he spares a quick, grateful thought for his mother for that -- doesn't mean it's that way for Arthur.
All of this is very reasonable, and most of the time Merlin understands and accepts it. He knows the time will come when Arthur feels ready to be open about their relationship, and until then Merlin will wait. He knows it will be worth it.
But it still hurts his heart just a little when he sees other couples strolling through the park hand-in-hand, or sharing an intimate, candle-lit dinner at a restaurant. It isn't that Merlin has a particular passion for walks in the park or dining at fancy restaurants; he just wants the freedom to do the things that other couples do.
And this is why he is so surprised to find himself standing within eyeshot of his favorite falafel stand -- the one Arthur had remembered after a single, passing mention and brought Merlin to for lunch. Of course, Merlin is definitely not thinking about falafel... not now, not with Arthur's fingers casually twined with his for all the world to see. The warmth and texture of his skin are familiar, dear, and wholly unexpected. Merlin stops short, and he knows he is gaping at Arthur like an idiot but he can't seem to help himself. Arthur smirks back at him, seemingly caught between amusement and exasperation as he tugs Merlin gently from the middle of the walkway off to the side...away from the annoyed looks and grumbles coming from the throng of people moving through Spitalfields Market behind them. The passersby might as well not exist; Merlin has eyes only for Arthur, who squeezes Merlin's hand gently and strokes the thumb of his free hand over Merlin's cheek, looking into his eyes with a wide, happy smile.
"I told you I just needed some time, Merlin," Arthur says, and then leans in to kiss him.
As their lips touch, Merlin feels something inside him -- something that was tense, something he'd barely allowed himself to acknowledge was there -- relax at last. In the course of his relationship with Arthur, Merlin has experienced thousands of kisses. From soft forehead kisses when he's stuck in bed with a cold, sniffly and miserable, to wet, messy, passion-filled kisses in the midst of lovemaking to tender, "I'll love you forever," kisses...Merlin thinks he has known and loved them all. But this kiss, for all that it is merely a brief press of warm, dry lips kept chaste due to the crowd surrounding them, is special nonetheless.
They break apart slowly and rejoin the crowd, hands still clasped. There are conversations to be had, plans to be made...but Arthur has, in his own direct, Arthur-ish way, taken the first step. It won’t all be as simple as a kiss shared in the market, but Merlin thinks it’s a start.
And it was totally worth the wait.
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